faith and positivity

Rereading my blog, I’ve been positively dark and dreary the past few weeks. Yaiks. Well, I think right now though, I’m much better, thank you very much. So…on to optimistic thoughts!

To tell the truth, I’ve been really worried with the fact that I don’t have a job (again). It’s not actually like I didn’t get any offers or something like that, but more like there’s this big, life-changing possibility (not exaggerating!) I’m hoping to get. So I’ve been kind of half-way here and there with the other companies I’ve applied to. It’s not yet a  hundred percent sure, so I’m hesitant to really talk about it (and at the same time, my mind can’t stop thinking about it!). If I qualify, all I can say is I can die happy (yeah, LOL). I’m really, really wishing for all the lucky stars to come out and help me get it! It’s going to take 3 long months to wait for the results…so crossing my fingers (and toes!).

when I feel down

Either I’m cyclothymic or I’m just someone who’s a complete idiot. I’d like to think that I’m the latter, though. A complete idiot who never gets things right. Or when I do, it’s always a second too late.

I know I’ve probably been slightly deluding myself that I’m perfectly fine. That being a bum for the third time since graduating from the university is completely by choice (and supposedly an intelligent & logical decision) and it’s just damn FINE.

But it’s not.

I don’t feel fine. I may have been acting like I’m thoroughly enjoying myself with my self-imposed ‘vacation,’ but in reality I am worried. Worried, scared and frustrated with my situation. A few weeks ago, my hopefulness and optimism was still keeping me afloat. There’s something out there for me. But days pass by, I’m drinking too much caffeine, eating too much sugar and sleeping in and I know, I’m not fine. I act like all hyper-normal, but it’s simply a mask.

I’m not fine.

I quit my first job after getting seriously sick; the following two were just so fucked up: cheating and just not giving their people proper credit, leaving me no choice but to just go. At those times, it felt right. I didn’t want to burden people nor stay with people who are just too damn difficult to work with. Looking back now, maybe the decisions I’ve made are a bit too idealistic and idiotic for someone who’s soon-to-be entering her late 20s. I’m supposed to be mid-career by now. Or at least in a serious career path or something. Just something stable and normal and routine. Maybe I should’ve just sucked it up, grinned and bore it. Pride, righteousness and all that shit just won’t pay the bills. And I’m tired of being treated like an idiotic baby by everyone.

Take my parents, for example. Since I’m the only ‘child’ still living at home, they keep forgetting that I’m not exactly a teen anymore, needing constant coddling and/or lecturing. My mom keeps going to both extremes: one day, she’ll be buying me a new bag out of the blue. The next day, she’ll be nagging like crazy for not folding the clothes her way. It’s driving me insane.

Not that I could really blame her, I guess. It’s not just me that’s getting eaten away by the frustration. In more ways than one, I know how my inability to hold down a job is making her feel the pressure, too. I mean, here I am, a graduate from a top university, decent grades and a pretty much straight-laced kid but why the annual bum state? It’s either I’m too smart or too dumb for my own good, I guess. Maybe I should’ve just soldered on,

Right now, though I just feel like a goddamn, utter failure. And I know I just don’t feel like it: I am.

 

anxiety attack 101 (for the nth time)

Well, I think my last post was about me all high with Pi’s concert and freedom from my crazy bosses from work. I was really happy with that: seeing my ichiban idol and letting go of all the work-induced stress I was having. Buuuut…here I am. A week into my self-induced bum-dom.

Sigh.

It just dawned on me that ever since graduating from college, every summer I’m like this. Jobless and dependent (again) on my parents.

It’s simply frustrating.

I know life ain’t fair and all that shizz, but really now. I feel like it’s either something is wrong with me or I just really, REALLY pick up the wrong end of the stick.

I so badly want to become independent. I want to see the world. Heck, I just want to earn my own dough, travel a little, indulge in books and maybe give something back to my dear, old mom. I feel like I’m getting way too old to still be stuck in this position.

Well, at least I think I know now what I want to do. After teaching for the past year, I feel like maybe I do have a shot with this. Being a teacher, I mean. I know I’m one of the least likely people to be doing something like this, but what the hell. I know I’m doing an okay job with it. It’s just sort of frustrating that after all the efforts I’ve put into looking for a new job, I’m still stuck here with nothing. Zero. Zip. Nada.

Do I really make that bad of a first impression? It’s either I’m too timid or I just don’t know how to sell myself properly. I’m never exactly the kind of person you’d immediately take a liking to. I just feel somehow anxious and frustrated right now. I. Want. A. Job.

Is that too much to ask for?

off to bangkok! pi lovin’! (and when I come back…)

I’m a bum.

LOL. But hey, seriously. I’ll be bumming around again for the nth time this year. I’m really kinda worried about it, but I’ll try to push it out of my mind for the next few days. I’ll be seeing Yamapi, after all! *sparkles*

Yeah. I LITERALLY pooled my life savings for this trip. *laughs* Full blown fan-girl mode, super ON! I suddenly remember me saying last year that after meeting Yamapi, I’m ready to die.

(I take it back now. LOL I still have to meet Jin, after all.)

Right now, I’m in the middle of NAIA, waiting for my flight to Bangkok. I’m all bouncy and jittery. It’s me in my normal mode. I’m definitely excited to finally see Yamapi.FINALLY~ I feel a bit like crying.

THIS.

It sort of sums up everything. Me being fan girl crazy and just simply being thankful for having ‘met’ Yamapi. It sounds a bit crazy I know, but flailing over him has really made life a bit easier. I’m off to dream worlds and de-stressed.

Anyway. my friend and I agreed that coming to Bangkok JUST to watch his concert is definitely one of the craziest things we’ve both done.  But who cares, right? Hello to crazy happiness.

I feel alive. XD

(This is a bit haphazardly written. I’ll try to post something more substantial later. I’m still on a Pi-high. LOL)

To Normalcy

I think I’m crawling my way back to being ‘ol bubbly-slash-happy me. In a few days, I’ll finally be getting out of my personal hell hole. I’ll surely miss the kids but as what I’ve learned from Jin Akanishi, “love yourself.” (*referring to his diva-ish mode of suddenly up and leaving KAT-TUN.)

All the mind fuckery that I’ve been on for the past months…finally, I’ll be really, really FREE. As with all kinds of freedom, this comes with a price.

I’ll be a bum. Again.

Yeah, at 25 I know it’s not ‘healthy’ anymore. And I really, really do want to work. Especially now that I realized that I like teaching. I’m still not a 100% sure, but right now, what I’m doing feels right. I wouldn’t have put up with all this shit if there wasn’t any redeeming factor right? I’m not that idiotic.

I may not be employed right now. I might spend weeks and months again at the mercy of my parents. People might laugh at me for being a supposed graduate of the top university in the country, yet here I am. For the third time, I’m down the pits. Grovelling. (Or something like it anyway. Forgive the drama queen in me.)

But hey. I’d rather be normal and happy again.

FREEDOOOM~~~~!

I’m taking back my life.

I’ve been down in the dumps these past few months or so. Mostly work-related stress. I’ve been really missing the old, happy-go-lucky me. So I’m doing something about it.

I’m quitting my job.

It’s not because I hate my job. In fact, I love working with kids. But in my current work environment, I really felt that I changed into a meaner, darker me. Talking back, making snide remarks and just generally being irritable.

I don’t like it. It’s not me.

So, I am going to quit. Right now, I still have no replacement for my job. Being 25 already, I know I’m a bit too old to be up and quitting every time I feel dissatisfied about something. I did try to be adult about this: talking things out with the people involved, biting back my tongue, de-stressing with my japanophile addiction. But it’s been pointless. I’m past the point where I can just safely ignore everything I hear. The stupidity of the people at work is getting under my skin. I can’t stand it, anymore.  That’s not how I am built. I may be loud and childish and a bit off, but I have never been THIS un-professional. I really hate it.

The answer is really to leave the situation and find my own place somewhere else. I am being ineffective already. I find myself disrespecting my higher-ups (even if they do deserve it) and not exactly being a professional in my work place. I find it harder and harder to wake up and dress for work. My eating and sleeping habits have never been exactly well-balanced, but right now, it’s off the scale. I feel sick and nauseous just thinking that I’ll be stepping inside my hell-hole of a workplace. My students are the only reason I’m still sticking around. But even their cuteness can only sustain me THIS much. And so, I quit.

I’m not sure of my future right now. I’ve applied to several companies but nobody’s called me up yet. Hopefully, I’d get a new job by the end of summer. If not, well tough luck: hello, another round of being a bum. I know I’m sort of too old to be bumming around (again) but for the sake of my mental well-being, I’d be swallowing my pride and be living under the mercy of my too-kind mother. I already told her I’m quitting and she seems cool with it. Or maybe she’s just getting used to it. *sigh* I’m planning to finish my units if I don’t get a job by next sem. At least I’d be able to take the licensure exam by the end of the year. But I do wanna work! I’m so freakin’ tired of being dependent.

This was not exactly the life I envisioned when I was still in college. Degrees and what-not are not really guarantees, I guess. At the back of mind is the gnawing thought that I’d be an eternal, useless bum. (NOOOOOO~~~!) But I have decided.

I quit.

of reality bites

One serious post, coming up.

I know I’m always Little Miss Sunshine, and I really am. I’m usually bubbly-happy and always joking around but these past few weeks though, I feel lost, stressed and pissed. With things at home and at work, I don’t really know where I should be. I don’t feel like I belong anywhere. At all.

I’m really hating my workplace. The environment is not good for me anymore. I hate all the unnecessary rules and I especially hate the vice principal. She really, really gets on my nerves! The thing about her is that she always, always changes things around without notice. Like she’d suddenly decide to change the class schedules in the middle of the day. Or she’d be laughing at you, in front of your class and the other faculty, because stories about yellow umbrellas is gay. Or she’d be insisting that we use the curriculum that she knows when it’s NOT the school’s current curriculum. Or she’d be telling the other team to do something that she already asked our team to do, making everyone confused. Or she’d be telling our boss that we supposedly told some company secret to the school driver when we never even heard any of those information before. And the way she orders people around! Even asking me to buy her personal stuff at the convenience store. OMG~~ If I don’t get out of here soon, I really think I’m liable to kill her. She’s so unprofessional! My feelings about her is affecting my everything else. Seriously. These days, I end up eating dinner by myself ‘cause when I eat with the family, I end up snapping at them for no reason at all. I don’t even talk much with everyone at home these days ‘cause I find that little stuff easily irritates me. I know I’ve always been a bit irritable, but my irritability levels these days are simply WAAAAAAY out there. Gawd~~ This is so not me!

Working for a foreigner is really tough, too. There’s the question of getting along and then there’s the difference between work ethics. To be fair, they’re mostly quite nice to me, but some of their rules are really impossible to follow. Like not being allowed to use the hand dryer inside the toilet ‘cause it’s supposedly for guests only. The hell, right? And not being allowed to adjust the air con by yourself. And no being allowed to go outside for your entire lunch break. I feel  like I need to even ask permission to just breathe! It’s so unnecessarily strict! I hate it!

An on top of everything else, there’s classes at the university. I really, really love my classes and if it weren’t for these stupid stuff at work, I know I’d be putting in more effort. I hate the way I’m being so messy and disorganized with school stuff. I end up passing mediocre work and most of the time, too, I’m more than an hour late for my classes.

I feel like I’m so out of control with everything right now.

I think if it weren’t for my fandoms, I would have probably really, really snapped. It’s times like these when I’m really glad that I’m a bit childish. Easily forgetting work stuff as long as I’m listening or watching something JE-related. Or, more specifically, something Pi and Jin related. (Yay for that?!)

Such perfect timing, too. Right when I discovered that I really love what I’m doing right now. Working with children is so much fun! That’s basically the only thing that keeps me from quitting right now. If it weren’t for my kawaii students, I think I wouldn’t think twice about leaving this place. –sigh- I just need to hang on till the term finishes. I don’t want to leave them hanging! But I am looking for new places now. I actually have a couple of interviews lined up. I’m hoping everything goes well so that by the next term I could be at a new place. I need to change my work place. Badly. I’m not sure if Jin and Pi are enough to keep me here for another year. So, good luck to me! I hate being this dark and gloomy.

Nobuta powaa, chuunyuu~